Saturday, November 06, 2004

Liberalism can be a bitch. 

It wasn't the first time that a majority of Americans voted to do the wrong thing, and it probably won't be the last. Although I can't help feeling a little disappointed, I also feel somewhat relieved. The onus is still on the Republicans - where it belongs.

Now they won't get the opportunity to sneak away from the mess they made, and they won't be able to blame it on Liberal America. Instead, they will get the opportunity to ride their dysfunctional ideology to its terminus. And they'll be forced to shoulder the full weight of its consequences.

The Republicans aren't finished with their "culture war." A Kerry victory wouldn't have been the end of it. They sabotaged Clinton's presidency and there's no reason to believe that they wouldn't have done the same to Kerry. Considering the dangerously unstable situation that Kerry would have inherited from them, his presidency would have been substantially easier to undermine than Clinton's.

As it stands, Liberal America has the strategic advantage. Our burden is easy to shoulder because it's also morally defensible. We're alert, united, mobilized, and determined to stop the Republican Party from asserting its dominance over us permanently.

The Republican Party is at a disadvantage because most of its unwieldy burden is morally indefensible. Like every fraud, its greatest weakness is the fear of being exposed. It devotes an inordinate amount of its resources to maintain the patchwork of elaborate simulacra that disguises its malevolent nature.

The Bush cult "won" its "mandate" at the expense of our nation's integrity, (among other things.) And Red Americans - at the expense of their integrity - got to shove a girder up the collective "librul" ass. Moral values? Are they out of their fucking minds? They must be...

Dear Red American,
Liberals don't make fun of you, we make fun of the caricatures that you allow the GOP to transform you into.
Yours truly,

Dear Christian Fundamentalist Red American,
Liberals make fun of you because - let's face it - people like you tend to be obnoxious, hateful, self-righteous, bigoted pinheads. We make fun of your beliefs because you insist on making them the center of attention. The problem with your approach is that your beliefs aren't as attractive as you imagine. Sorry to break it to you, friend, but your beliefs are offensive to the mind and repulsive to the heart. By the way, do you realize that you're walking in circles?
Best wishes,

They feel hurt because Liberal America doesn't value "values" like jingoism, misogyny, homophobia, and racism. "I'm entitled to my opinion too," they protest. Here's what I say to that:

"Opinions are like assholes: every person has one," goes the old saying. And just like assholes, some opinions are smellier than others. Some people wipe themselves, and some people wear their shit like a badge.

But they force us to strike bargains with their fetid values: 75% jingoism - 25% foreign policy; 68% racism - 32% equality; 40% creationism - 60% science; and so on. And they have the nerve to complain that we don't like it!

No, fellow Liberals, this will not do. It's time to say no once and for all. It's time for us to finish the Liberal revolution.

If we have to play the part of Red's bitch, we're going to take great pleasure in making him insanely jealous. And we're going to embarrass him in public by talking about the things that make him uncomfortable.

We have the upper hand because we can deliver the goods. Liberalism can be a bitch, but it's the real thing. Cheer up... everything has its time.

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