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Saturday, August 13, 2005

5-Sack Politics 

If you're cheering Bush's "balls," then this is for you.

It seems just a tad primitive to use testicles as a measure of a person's character. Don't you think? Every time I hear someone describe another person as having "balls," I immediately picture that person with an exposed, hairy sack between their legs. Nice, huh? Most of the time, the picture conforms to reality, because it's usually men talking about other men and the majority of men are just ball-happy fools. But it's a little disturbing to picture a woman with a scrotum. No?

I suppose it's reasonable to conclude that "balls" are meant to describe something that is uniquely male. Courage, bravery, strength, and determination, or just the savage urge to dominate and ejaculate? You decide.

To me, it looks like Cindy Sheehan has courage, bravery, strength, and determination; George W. Bush is acting out a savage impulse to dominate and ejaculate. He's imposing his "balls" on the world, and people who cheer for "them" are cheering a form of rape.

So, please spare yourselves the ball-speak. It makes you look like a tribe of primitive hominids, desperately overcompensating for deficits in mind and spirit. It's not difficult to imagine you huddled around a big fire, shouting prayers to the golden scrotum.

If you still insist that testicles represent strength, then you should wonder why they're not made of bone or some other material that is impervious to pain. In fact, as everyone knows, testicles are quite sensitive. All it takes is a little squeeze to make a man beg for mercy. As for big testicles - well, there's just more to squeeze. And really big testicles? Have you ever heard of macro-orchidism?

Visualize George W. Bush as an intellectually and morally challenged fool, struggling to impose his giant testicles on the world. That's what your metaphor looks like - adjusted for reality.

But perhaps I'm being unfair by not delving deeper into the wonders of testicular philosophy, so, let's unravel "balls" once and for all. Shall we?

I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and posit that it's what one does with one's "balls" that counts. Sort of like mind in the service of cumbag. How does that sit with you? Or do you prefer a balance between mind and cumbag?

Hey - have you ever noticed that testicles look a little like miniature brains? Coincidence? I think not. ;)

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